do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
