I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
