so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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