Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
