drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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