Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize