so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
