He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think your dad took our porno
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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