So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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