Can Purell be used as lube?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
