I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
