i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
