and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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