Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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