Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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