you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
