I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
