Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
