I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
