I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
