I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
