I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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