omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
