I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
