I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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