By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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