What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
