Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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