I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Houston, we have a squirter
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
