Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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