Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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