when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
