And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
