only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
