There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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