Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
be right there i have to get my cape
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
