I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
