you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize