Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
