I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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