i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just gargled with NyQuil
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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