Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
