He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
