If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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