Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
