Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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