I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
