im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
