Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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