Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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