so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
