These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
