The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
