You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
