Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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