Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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