Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
