I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
